Attorney General Edward Kang’s blog

Aaron and I used to be chill buds and I helped him revive Charlie’s Angels in the form of “Angels 88″ but that never happened due to the fact that I wanted an all black cast and he wanted… not that. The straw that broke the camel’s back was a show that was going to star me called Kang’s Komedy Kavalcade. It was going to be a collection of skits and people doing spoken word… kind of like Def Comedy Jam but with less cussing. Anyway, Spelling and I developed it, pitch it to the networks, and they thought it would be a big hit. But, at the time, I decided to run for Attorney General. I won and had to turn down the role at the 11th hour, which almost bankrupted Spelling and ruined his credibility.

Wait, so why do I hate Aaron Spelling? After recounting the story, it makes it seem like I was the one that did him dirty. Uh… shoot. Is there a way to undo what I typed? Where the hell is the delete key? WHY IS MY MEMORY SO POOR?!?!?

Woop-woop!
That’s the sound of da police!
Woop-woop!
That’s the sound of the beast!

Stand clear! Don man a-talk
You can’t stand where I stand, you can’t walk where I walk
Watch out! We run New York
Police man come, we bust him out the park
I know this for a fact, you don’t like how I act
You claim I’m sellin’ crack
But you be doin’ that
I’d rather say see ya
Cause I would never be ya
Be a officer? You WICKED overseer!
Ya hotshot, wanna get props and be a saviour
First show a little respect, change your behavior
Change your attitude, change your plan
There could never really be justice on stolen land
Are you really for peace and equality?
Or when my car is hooked up, you know you wanna follow me
Your laws are minimal
Cause you won’t even think about lookin’ at the real criminal
This has got to cease
Cause we be getting HYPED to the sound of da police!

Woop-woop!
That’s the sound of da police!
Woop-woop!
That’s the sound of the beast!

lyrics by KRS-One, stolen from Ed Kang

Honestly. If you liked the movie, stay at your computer… I’ll be there in a few minutes to put a knife in your eye.

Let’s go point by point. There will be spoilers, so don’t give me any shit. The first scene features young Professor X and young Magneto meeting young Jean Grey. They use digital technology not only to make them look young, but to have Prof X walk (no one show this film to Chris Reeve). I thought the digital botox was crap. The second scene shows a young Angel sawing off his wings. Now, I’m no filmmaker, but technically if you’re introducing young Angel, you’re saying: “hey, you haven’t even seen the credits yet and we’re introducing this character, that means he’s hella important.” Wrong. Angel does nothing in the film so introducing him as The Second Coming makes no narrative sense.

Next scene is the bad-ass Danger Room sequence. Do they call it the Danger Room? No. It’s got some cool stuff where Rogue does nothing and Colossus’ biggest feat is to give a wedgie to Wolverine soooo bad that it makes him fly into the air (some call it a fastball special but I call it crap). Logan is yelled at for not using teamwork to defeat the two spotlights that were chasing them, but this is seconds after Storm says: “We’re getting killed out there!” Way to go, Catwoman.

So we then see the baddest X-Man ever, Cyclops, crying about how he can’t grow a full beard. He sees Wolverine and they lament over Gene… I mean Jean. Wolvie yells at Cyclops for not being in the Danger Room and that the Professor asked to cover for him. Whaa? In the next scene, the Prof tells Storm that she needs to prep herself to be the next leader of the X-Men. If that’s the case, why have Wolverine cover for Scott in the Danger Room? That’s not the Picard Maneuver I’ve grown to love over the decades.

Ok, maybe not over the decades, but how about over the past two movies? We’ve abandoned the following that were bad-ass in the first two X-Movies:
• Anything to do with Wolverine’s origin
• Cerebro
• Stryker
• Nightcrawler!!!
• Tension between Jean, Cyke, and Wolvie (since they chump-killed Cyclops in the first 2 minutes of the flick)
• The idea that discrimination between mutants and humans as an allegory to racism

Anywhoo, they come back to Angel and we see he’s a young sexy adult that’s clearly done a lot of stomach crunches. At the last minute, he decides he doesn’t want the mutant cure. He escapes from the evil clutches of his father to… fly off and do nothing! Thank jeebus we had that sweet intro in the beginning that showed… uh… yeah…

So Magneto gathers up the mutants from St. Mark’s place (including a tranny) and decides to kill the mutant that can negate mutant powers. Maggie decides to lift up the Golden Gate bridge and drops it on Alcatraz to kill everyone there. Wait, that would have been the SMART thing to do. Instead, he rips up the bridge and drops it in FRONT of Alcatraz. Why? So that his St Marks mutant army can destroy everything. But when they all get shot with power-robbing bullets, Magneto refers to them as pawns and fodder. Now, I’m a BRILLIANT military leader, but even Ulysses S. Grant after awhile was like “Hmmm… maybe I shouldn’t be killing off so many of my men.” They describe Magneto as Malcom X, but even the Tenth was never like: “Send in the dark-skinned pawns to do my bidding!”

After psyching us up for Pyro versus Iceman, it was a war of Jazz Hands. Here’s an excerpt of the fight:

PYRO: Uungh!

ICEMAN: Aargh!

PYRO: Aargh!

ICEMAN: Uungh!

And then it went on. In the comics, Pyro made flame constructs like fire-dogs and fire-monkeys. That would have been bad-ass. Pyro sends fire dogs at Icey and he’s gotta freeze them or get bitten on his rump with fire-bites. But no, it was just constipated look vs constipated glare. Boooring. And why in the hell did Wolvie have to kill Phoenix? Couldn’t they shoot her with power-robbing bullets? No sense at all. Speaking of no sense at all, when Porcupine Man is about to kill Warren Worthington II, his son, the Angel saves him! But how is this possible? In the act before, Angel asks to stay at the X-Mansion. So how did he get from Massachusettes to California so fast? Either you’re saying he can fly as fast as the X-Jet (if that’s what you think, stay at your computer and I’ll be there to put a knife in your eye) or after knowing him for 8 seconds, the X-Men invited him along for the flight (if that’s what you think, stay at your computer and I’ll be there to put a knife in your eye)

No character development. No sense of team. An abandonment of the comics as well as what the first two movies had set up. This movie was dump. If Superman Returns sucks, I’m gonna go back to reading books. Heaven help us.

-K, your Attorney General

For those that are wondering what I’m referring to, here’s the link:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060519/od_nm/invasion_usa_dc

If you don’t like universal resource locators, here’s the nutshake: Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has for years predicted that a foreign army would attack the South American nation to snatch its vast oil reserves. So in order to predict how an event like this would occur, they staged a mock invasion. Now, I had no idea that it was a mock invasion. Or maybe I heard it and my mind blanked out the word mock. It’s kind of like when my high school sweetheart told me “Stop it, you idiot, I don’t want to get pregnant… the condom broke!” I heard: “Idiot, I don’t want to get broke” I thought it was a euphemism to switch to anal. Imagine MY shock!

Anywhoo, I arrive in Venezuela in my own personal jet that I’ve dubbed “the Kang Copter.” Yes, it’s a jet not a helicopter, but I don’t like helicopters. So the jet lands and I pop out the same way Schwarzenegger appears armed with guns and knives and rockets and stuff like in Commando. I even have the cool stripes of black under my eyes like football players do. Suddenly I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and it’s friggin Chavez.

CHAVEZ: Can I help you?
KANG: A-ha! Your oil reserves now belong to me, Chavez! Feel the iron claw that is the might of Kang!
CHAVEZ: What?
KANG: Now that I’ve successfully invaded Venezuela, your oil reserves now fall under the control of The United States of America!
CHAVEZ: No one’s invaded Venezuela. This is a mock invasion.
(LONG PAUSE)
CHAVEZ: I said this is a mock invasion.
(LONGER PAUSE. Someone coughs)
CHAVEZ: Mock means fake.
KANG: Oh! So this isn’t a real invasion?
CHAVEZ: Where did you say you were from? Did you say The United States of America?
KANG: Yes. Uh… no! From America but… Central America.
CHAVEZ: We’re currently IN Central America.
KANG: Exactly! I’m part of the mock invasion force!
CHAVEZ: Oh. Well, good then. Carry on.

Whew! Good thing the ol Kang noodle was working overtime that day! I hopped back on the Kang Copter and took off faster then you could say Ambesol. Hey, my food arrived. I’ll hit y’all up later.

-Kang, Attourney General

Rejoyce! Even if your name isn’t Joyce! Kang is back!

But you’re wondering, what happened to Kang? Last we heard of you was back in September. Did something happen? Well, just say I had to disappear like Vito on the Sopranos, except I’m not gay and I’m CERTAINLY not Italian.

Was Kang in Witness Protection? A really long session of AA? None of these! The magic of Kang is that he doesn’t have to answer to anyone!

As the weeks go on, I will reveal the missing months of my life as well as update you on regular happening as your Attorney General. It is election year, so I will be on the campaign trail tryng to get your vote! Kang in 06! Write that down, or it will be the last thing you see before I poke your eyes out with my disposable razor.

Actually, Kang is pleased to announce that I have switched from the always stylish Mach 3 Razor to an electric shaver. Why, you ask? Because, since this is an election year, Kang is trying to get in touch with his younger voters to show how entrenched Kang is in the 21st century. Studies have shown that old people use razors, hip people use electric razors, and really hip people use lazers. I don’t think I’m up to lazers quite yet… it’s all about baby steps, people.

Now, since Kang is your friend and he wants your vote, let me give you a word of advice. You’ll note that “old Kang” would never give out advice for free, or not hold it against you that Kang gave you something without something in return, but heed my warning: DO NOT USE AN ELECTRIC RAZOR ON YOUR BALLS. This is a pain that goes beyond description. I thought the guys down in Gitmo were cruel, this is the kind of pain where you want to invest in a time machine and slap yourself a day earlier and go: “Why did that make sense to you, stupid?”

By the way, I didn’t use it on my balls, I’m merely passing on info I overheard. That’s right, Kang in 06 rolls that way.

More later… it’s good to be back.

-Ed

I do a lot of things… some good and some bad. Perhaps you see ol’ Kang the Tang as a role model. That’s fine by my oranges. If there’s one thing that you should learn from me is that you should file your taxes quarterly. It’s simply the right thing to do.

So I had my accountant killed after I found out that he was a Vegan. I don’t want no vegan hands handling my gold. Instead of getting a replacement I decided to do my own taxes this year. As I was going through my files, I noticed that there’s a dude that has been taking a cut out of my money, some dude named FICA. Is this some sort of protection money so that I may live in peace?

I decided to hack into W’s personal email account to get to the bottom of it and asked everyone on his blog if they could “tell” me who “FICA” was so I could “kill” this “guy” “with” “extreme” “prejudice”. I got one response from Karl Rove saying that FICA stood for something. Heck yes it stands for something, it stands for ripping off Kang!

One night, I get a call at 2am. For those that don’t know, I make it a point to be in bed by no later than 2am. Why? Dunno, we all have to have some sort of rules in life, yes? Anywhoo, I get this call that wakes me up. I have to climb over three hookers (one of them was dead I think) to get to my RazrV3 (man, those things are sex-Y!). When I pick it up, I hear someone laughing on the other end.

“Hello, is this Kang? This is FICA. I’m out to get your cash!”
“Who is this? This is not FICA. FICA would not call me so late. Tell me, is tomorrow afternoon before 4pm a good time for you to die? I expect all of my money back with 13.5% interest!”
“This is FICA.”
“Hey, are you the Jerky Boys? I love it when you pranked Pablo Honey.”
“No, I’m not the Jerky Boys, I’m FICA.”
“Wait a minute, I recognize that voice. Is this Trent Lott? Lott, you douchebag! When I see you tomorrow at water polo I’m gonna hit you harder than puberty!”
“This isn’t Lott! I’m FICA, and I gotta go!”

Needless to say, when I saw Lott the next day I gave him such a massive wedgie that the stock market went up 15 points. Now that I think about it, that was sheer coincidence.

-Ed

So I FINALLY get the check in the mail from Fredrick Doom to start making my Laboratory of Doom. A lot of this stuff I’ve paid out of pocket. I’ve also raised a lot of money with my paper route. It took awhile but we got the high speed internet cable installed. For awhile I was stealing wi-fi from some dude named RAWJACK but after awhile he put some password on it that prevented me from watching pirated eps of Family Guy.

I got an email on my private g-mail account that I want to share with y’all:

To: Edwardkangisupinyourasslikeabikeseat@gmail.com
From: WynD3rst@navyseals.gov
cc: cheneywillcostyoubutyougetmyfirstnameforfree@whitehouse.gov
Subject:EMERGENCY! I NEED YOUR HELP, GENERAL KANG
Message: Kang! I’m trapped in North Korea! I’ve found their nuculear testing facility! They plan to launch weapons against the Eastern Coast in matter od days. Need emergencty evac from hot spot. This is a bright boy alert!

Ok, where do I even START with this one? Dangling participles, run on sentences, and the misspellings! I know what you’re thinking… Kang, I’m an avid reader of your blogs and you misspell stuff all the time (I know, and it’s SOOOO ironic, isn’t it?) but keep in mind your man Kang speaks 6 different languages (Korean, Japanese, Mandarin, Russian, more Japanese, and English) so you’ll pardon me if I make mistakes. People out there, learn to educate yourself. I don’t care where you are, take a moment to proof read what you’re sending out and then just maybe I’ll take what you send me seriously.

-Ed

So of course I forget to take down my advertisement on Monster.com. It was years ago but people still send me a resume from time to time:

WANTED:
Evil doctor capable of running Laboratory of Doom, named after Fredrick Doom who gave a very large endowment to have it built. Must have phd in molecular biology, abnormal psychiatry, and semiotics. Ambition a must and driver’s license a plus.

Every now and then I get a resume and/or a headshot from someone but I got the coolest thing yesterday:

Dear Mr/Mrs. Kang
My name is Dr. Frazenblau Feinmanster. I have all of the skills and talents mentioned in your job description. To boot, I also have a doctorate in being evil from Stamford. Enclosed is my resume and video tape of me stripping away the humanity from prisoners at Gitmo.
Sincerely,
FF.

First of all, what’s with the mr/mrs kang thing? Who does she think I am, Jamie Lee Curtis?!? I let that go after I read that she has a doctorate in being evil! However, I’m suspicious about the entire Gitmo thing. I was there the ENTIRE time and don’t recall seeing her there.

So I call her in and believe it or not the bitch is blind! I have her take a seat and have her tell me her life story. It’s all in one ear and out the other with me, and I spend the next few minutes furtively placing one of my spare capes on her along with two of my back up eye-patches. By no means does she look like a Kang Mini-Me, but she looked like she could be evil enough to run the Lab O’ Doom. I hired her on the spot. I feel good about myself for the first time in awhile. I think I’m gonna treat myself to a Krispy Kreme donut and see a movie… maybe Grizzly Man…

-Ed

Man o man did I have a crazy week.

First of all, my apologies for not posting in awhlie. It turns out that instead of making posts, I’ve just been typing on a broken typewriter for the past two weeks. And for the past week, when I was typing, I was actually just watching old webisodes of homestarrunner.

Anywhoo, I hired Gladys Meinkewitz instead of that other guy. I thought it would be fun to test them out so I took Flip Turgesen on a camping expedition in the Congo to kill some protestors that were against cutting down the rainforest. We’re marching in the jungle and for a big white guy he sure sweats a lot. And on top of that he’s wearing teevas. HELL-O, we’re in the rainforest for pete’s sake. How about some boots or clogs or something with CLOSED toes?!?!? So he mutters something about it being hot, and before I can ask mumbly joe what the heck he said, he takes out a big red bottle of something. I ask him what that is and he tells me “gatorade”. Now, I don’t know gatorade from grasshoppers, but I don’t support the use of steroids in any capacity. This is the main reason why I don’t read Captain America comics, it’s ALL about steroids. I tell him to put it down and drink god’s gift to man: water (I think the spanish call it agua). He tells me that his gatorade is better. I tell him that steroids will make is forhead huge and his penis tiny. He assures me that I am incorrect and that I can buy gatorade in stores.

So we kill all of the protestors and I’m wondering if he’s lying to me. So in order to test him, I tie about a hundred pounds of weights to his feet and throw him into the Amazon River to see if he can swim to the surface. After about fifteen minutes, I ask myself: “Kang, what does drowning a man have to do with proving that there are steroids in gatorade?” The question is moot, because Flip never came to the surface. Or maybe he realized I saw through his lies and he swam off. Either way, I only drink powerade, the drink of basketball players.

So I get back to the Lower 48 and tell Gladys she’s got the job. She’s very happy and says I should come over to her place to celebrate. One thing led to another and I found myself giving her an “Angry Pirate” on the ottoman in her living room (note to self: find out when the Ottoman Empire crumbled).

I think it’s important not to date your co-workers because it’s like doing number 2 where you eat, know what I mean? BTW: Gladys gets SOOO turned on whenever she watches Lost. What’s the deal with that? For those dudes out there looking to score, show your potential conquest Lost and it’s 7-11 time between her thighs. I think I’m going to tell Gladys that I don’t think we should sleep together anymore. Or I’m going to continue to sleep with her. A toss of the coin will decide. Either way, I think her bureaucratic skills will be perfect for the Magnificent Hour.

-Ed

Cry bitch moan. That’s all anyone can do nowadays. YES, it’s hot… but have you ever been to the Brazillian rainforest? I remember I was sent one year to “take care of” some people protesting the decimation of the rainforest. When I went to “talk” to them they were “upset” at how “violent” and “relentless” my “attacks” were on the “unarmed” “masses” of “people.” As I was “cutting a swath of death and blood through the protestors” I remembered how hot and sweaty I was. Now THAT was hot, my friends.

In America, it can be hot but we have the luxury of going to a movie theatre, cooling station, or ice cream establishment. Please, be humane, and remember that some people aren’t as fortunate in other lands and don’t have the option of dying the hilarious death that most old people experience in France during the Summer.

You know what I was thinking? You know how Stomp is based on people singing and dancing in some gay industrial establishment? How about you have the same type of musical moment but in a sweat shop? You could call it Sweat Stomp! Man, sometimes I think I’m in the wrong profession…

As an update, I’ve hired a small staff to help me out in organizing MH. There’s a coin toss to hire a woman named Gladys Meinkewitz or a guy named Flip Turgesen. Is Flip short for Philip? Anywhoo, I can’t decide which person I want to go with. Flip seems like he’d be into silent films and Gladys is into Harry Potter, but I’ve always been bad with first impressions.

The answer when I come back.

-Eddie