Attorney General Edward Kang’s blog

Man o man did I have a crazy week.

First of all, my apologies for not posting in awhlie. It turns out that instead of making posts, I’ve just been typing on a broken typewriter for the past two weeks. And for the past week, when I was typing, I was actually just watching old webisodes of homestarrunner.

Anywhoo, I hired Gladys Meinkewitz instead of that other guy. I thought it would be fun to test them out so I took Flip Turgesen on a camping expedition in the Congo to kill some protestors that were against cutting down the rainforest. We’re marching in the jungle and for a big white guy he sure sweats a lot. And on top of that he’s wearing teevas. HELL-O, we’re in the rainforest for pete’s sake. How about some boots or clogs or something with CLOSED toes?!?!? So he mutters something about it being hot, and before I can ask mumbly joe what the heck he said, he takes out a big red bottle of something. I ask him what that is and he tells me “gatorade”. Now, I don’t know gatorade from grasshoppers, but I don’t support the use of steroids in any capacity. This is the main reason why I don’t read Captain America comics, it’s ALL about steroids. I tell him to put it down and drink god’s gift to man: water (I think the spanish call it agua). He tells me that his gatorade is better. I tell him that steroids will make is forhead huge and his penis tiny. He assures me that I am incorrect and that I can buy gatorade in stores.

So we kill all of the protestors and I’m wondering if he’s lying to me. So in order to test him, I tie about a hundred pounds of weights to his feet and throw him into the Amazon River to see if he can swim to the surface. After about fifteen minutes, I ask myself: “Kang, what does drowning a man have to do with proving that there are steroids in gatorade?” The question is moot, because Flip never came to the surface. Or maybe he realized I saw through his lies and he swam off. Either way, I only drink powerade, the drink of basketball players.

So I get back to the Lower 48 and tell Gladys she’s got the job. She’s very happy and says I should come over to her place to celebrate. One thing led to another and I found myself giving her an “Angry Pirate” on the ottoman in her living room (note to self: find out when the Ottoman Empire crumbled).

I think it’s important not to date your co-workers because it’s like doing number 2 where you eat, know what I mean? BTW: Gladys gets SOOO turned on whenever she watches Lost. What’s the deal with that? For those dudes out there looking to score, show your potential conquest Lost and it’s 7-11 time between her thighs. I think I’m going to tell Gladys that I don’t think we should sleep together anymore. Or I’m going to continue to sleep with her. A toss of the coin will decide. Either way, I think her bureaucratic skills will be perfect for the Magnificent Hour.

-Ed

This entry was posted on Sunday, August 28th, 2005 at 9:32 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.