Attorney General Edward Kang’s blog

I do a lot of things… some good and some bad. Perhaps you see ol’ Kang the Tang as a role model. That’s fine by my oranges. If there’s one thing that you should learn from me is that you should file your taxes quarterly. It’s simply the right thing to do.

So I had my accountant killed after I found out that he was a Vegan. I don’t want no vegan hands handling my gold. Instead of getting a replacement I decided to do my own taxes this year. As I was going through my files, I noticed that there’s a dude that has been taking a cut out of my money, some dude named FICA. Is this some sort of protection money so that I may live in peace?

I decided to hack into W’s personal email account to get to the bottom of it and asked everyone on his blog if they could “tell” me who “FICA” was so I could “kill” this “guy” “with” “extreme” “prejudice”. I got one response from Karl Rove saying that FICA stood for something. Heck yes it stands for something, it stands for ripping off Kang!

One night, I get a call at 2am. For those that don’t know, I make it a point to be in bed by no later than 2am. Why? Dunno, we all have to have some sort of rules in life, yes? Anywhoo, I get this call that wakes me up. I have to climb over three hookers (one of them was dead I think) to get to my RazrV3 (man, those things are sex-Y!). When I pick it up, I hear someone laughing on the other end.

“Hello, is this Kang? This is FICA. I’m out to get your cash!”
“Who is this? This is not FICA. FICA would not call me so late. Tell me, is tomorrow afternoon before 4pm a good time for you to die? I expect all of my money back with 13.5% interest!”
“This is FICA.”
“Hey, are you the Jerky Boys? I love it when you pranked Pablo Honey.”
“No, I’m not the Jerky Boys, I’m FICA.”
“Wait a minute, I recognize that voice. Is this Trent Lott? Lott, you douchebag! When I see you tomorrow at water polo I’m gonna hit you harder than puberty!”
“This isn’t Lott! I’m FICA, and I gotta go!”

Needless to say, when I saw Lott the next day I gave him such a massive wedgie that the stock market went up 15 points. Now that I think about it, that was sheer coincidence.

-Ed

So I FINALLY get the check in the mail from Fredrick Doom to start making my Laboratory of Doom. A lot of this stuff I’ve paid out of pocket. I’ve also raised a lot of money with my paper route. It took awhile but we got the high speed internet cable installed. For awhile I was stealing wi-fi from some dude named RAWJACK but after awhile he put some password on it that prevented me from watching pirated eps of Family Guy.

I got an email on my private g-mail account that I want to share with y’all:

To: Edwardkangisupinyourasslikeabikeseat@gmail.com
From: WynD3rst@navyseals.gov
cc: cheneywillcostyoubutyougetmyfirstnameforfree@whitehouse.gov
Subject:EMERGENCY! I NEED YOUR HELP, GENERAL KANG
Message: Kang! I’m trapped in North Korea! I’ve found their nuculear testing facility! They plan to launch weapons against the Eastern Coast in matter od days. Need emergencty evac from hot spot. This is a bright boy alert!

Ok, where do I even START with this one? Dangling participles, run on sentences, and the misspellings! I know what you’re thinking… Kang, I’m an avid reader of your blogs and you misspell stuff all the time (I know, and it’s SOOOO ironic, isn’t it?) but keep in mind your man Kang speaks 6 different languages (Korean, Japanese, Mandarin, Russian, more Japanese, and English) so you’ll pardon me if I make mistakes. People out there, learn to educate yourself. I don’t care where you are, take a moment to proof read what you’re sending out and then just maybe I’ll take what you send me seriously.

-Ed

So of course I forget to take down my advertisement on Monster.com. It was years ago but people still send me a resume from time to time:

WANTED:
Evil doctor capable of running Laboratory of Doom, named after Fredrick Doom who gave a very large endowment to have it built. Must have phd in molecular biology, abnormal psychiatry, and semiotics. Ambition a must and driver’s license a plus.

Every now and then I get a resume and/or a headshot from someone but I got the coolest thing yesterday:

Dear Mr/Mrs. Kang
My name is Dr. Frazenblau Feinmanster. I have all of the skills and talents mentioned in your job description. To boot, I also have a doctorate in being evil from Stamford. Enclosed is my resume and video tape of me stripping away the humanity from prisoners at Gitmo.
Sincerely,
FF.

First of all, what’s with the mr/mrs kang thing? Who does she think I am, Jamie Lee Curtis?!? I let that go after I read that she has a doctorate in being evil! However, I’m suspicious about the entire Gitmo thing. I was there the ENTIRE time and don’t recall seeing her there.

So I call her in and believe it or not the bitch is blind! I have her take a seat and have her tell me her life story. It’s all in one ear and out the other with me, and I spend the next few minutes furtively placing one of my spare capes on her along with two of my back up eye-patches. By no means does she look like a Kang Mini-Me, but she looked like she could be evil enough to run the Lab O’ Doom. I hired her on the spot. I feel good about myself for the first time in awhile. I think I’m gonna treat myself to a Krispy Kreme donut and see a movie… maybe Grizzly Man…

-Ed