Attorney General Edward Kang’s blog

Honestly. If you liked the movie, stay at your computer… I’ll be there in a few minutes to put a knife in your eye.

Let’s go point by point. There will be spoilers, so don’t give me any shit. The first scene features young Professor X and young Magneto meeting young Jean Grey. They use digital technology not only to make them look young, but to have Prof X walk (no one show this film to Chris Reeve). I thought the digital botox was crap. The second scene shows a young Angel sawing off his wings. Now, I’m no filmmaker, but technically if you’re introducing young Angel, you’re saying: “hey, you haven’t even seen the credits yet and we’re introducing this character, that means he’s hella important.” Wrong. Angel does nothing in the film so introducing him as The Second Coming makes no narrative sense.

Next scene is the bad-ass Danger Room sequence. Do they call it the Danger Room? No. It’s got some cool stuff where Rogue does nothing and Colossus’ biggest feat is to give a wedgie to Wolverine soooo bad that it makes him fly into the air (some call it a fastball special but I call it crap). Logan is yelled at for not using teamwork to defeat the two spotlights that were chasing them, but this is seconds after Storm says: “We’re getting killed out there!” Way to go, Catwoman.

So we then see the baddest X-Man ever, Cyclops, crying about how he can’t grow a full beard. He sees Wolverine and they lament over Gene… I mean Jean. Wolvie yells at Cyclops for not being in the Danger Room and that the Professor asked to cover for him. Whaa? In the next scene, the Prof tells Storm that she needs to prep herself to be the next leader of the X-Men. If that’s the case, why have Wolverine cover for Scott in the Danger Room? That’s not the Picard Maneuver I’ve grown to love over the decades.

Ok, maybe not over the decades, but how about over the past two movies? We’ve abandoned the following that were bad-ass in the first two X-Movies:
• Anything to do with Wolverine’s origin
• Cerebro
• Stryker
• Nightcrawler!!!
• Tension between Jean, Cyke, and Wolvie (since they chump-killed Cyclops in the first 2 minutes of the flick)
• The idea that discrimination between mutants and humans as an allegory to racism

Anywhoo, they come back to Angel and we see he’s a young sexy adult that’s clearly done a lot of stomach crunches. At the last minute, he decides he doesn’t want the mutant cure. He escapes from the evil clutches of his father to… fly off and do nothing! Thank jeebus we had that sweet intro in the beginning that showed… uh… yeah…

So Magneto gathers up the mutants from St. Mark’s place (including a tranny) and decides to kill the mutant that can negate mutant powers. Maggie decides to lift up the Golden Gate bridge and drops it on Alcatraz to kill everyone there. Wait, that would have been the SMART thing to do. Instead, he rips up the bridge and drops it in FRONT of Alcatraz. Why? So that his St Marks mutant army can destroy everything. But when they all get shot with power-robbing bullets, Magneto refers to them as pawns and fodder. Now, I’m a BRILLIANT military leader, but even Ulysses S. Grant after awhile was like “Hmmm… maybe I shouldn’t be killing off so many of my men.” They describe Magneto as Malcom X, but even the Tenth was never like: “Send in the dark-skinned pawns to do my bidding!”

After psyching us up for Pyro versus Iceman, it was a war of Jazz Hands. Here’s an excerpt of the fight:

PYRO: Uungh!

ICEMAN: Aargh!

PYRO: Aargh!

ICEMAN: Uungh!

And then it went on. In the comics, Pyro made flame constructs like fire-dogs and fire-monkeys. That would have been bad-ass. Pyro sends fire dogs at Icey and he’s gotta freeze them or get bitten on his rump with fire-bites. But no, it was just constipated look vs constipated glare. Boooring. And why in the hell did Wolvie have to kill Phoenix? Couldn’t they shoot her with power-robbing bullets? No sense at all. Speaking of no sense at all, when Porcupine Man is about to kill Warren Worthington II, his son, the Angel saves him! But how is this possible? In the act before, Angel asks to stay at the X-Mansion. So how did he get from Massachusettes to California so fast? Either you’re saying he can fly as fast as the X-Jet (if that’s what you think, stay at your computer and I’ll be there to put a knife in your eye) or after knowing him for 8 seconds, the X-Men invited him along for the flight (if that’s what you think, stay at your computer and I’ll be there to put a knife in your eye)

No character development. No sense of team. An abandonment of the comics as well as what the first two movies had set up. This movie was dump. If Superman Returns sucks, I’m gonna go back to reading books. Heaven help us.

-K, your Attorney General

For those that are wondering what I’m referring to, here’s the link:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060519/od_nm/invasion_usa_dc

If you don’t like universal resource locators, here’s the nutshake: Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has for years predicted that a foreign army would attack the South American nation to snatch its vast oil reserves. So in order to predict how an event like this would occur, they staged a mock invasion. Now, I had no idea that it was a mock invasion. Or maybe I heard it and my mind blanked out the word mock. It’s kind of like when my high school sweetheart told me “Stop it, you idiot, I don’t want to get pregnant… the condom broke!” I heard: “Idiot, I don’t want to get broke” I thought it was a euphemism to switch to anal. Imagine MY shock!

Anywhoo, I arrive in Venezuela in my own personal jet that I’ve dubbed “the Kang Copter.” Yes, it’s a jet not a helicopter, but I don’t like helicopters. So the jet lands and I pop out the same way Schwarzenegger appears armed with guns and knives and rockets and stuff like in Commando. I even have the cool stripes of black under my eyes like football players do. Suddenly I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and it’s friggin Chavez.

CHAVEZ: Can I help you?
KANG: A-ha! Your oil reserves now belong to me, Chavez! Feel the iron claw that is the might of Kang!
CHAVEZ: What?
KANG: Now that I’ve successfully invaded Venezuela, your oil reserves now fall under the control of The United States of America!
CHAVEZ: No one’s invaded Venezuela. This is a mock invasion.
(LONG PAUSE)
CHAVEZ: I said this is a mock invasion.
(LONGER PAUSE. Someone coughs)
CHAVEZ: Mock means fake.
KANG: Oh! So this isn’t a real invasion?
CHAVEZ: Where did you say you were from? Did you say The United States of America?
KANG: Yes. Uh… no! From America but… Central America.
CHAVEZ: We’re currently IN Central America.
KANG: Exactly! I’m part of the mock invasion force!
CHAVEZ: Oh. Well, good then. Carry on.

Whew! Good thing the ol Kang noodle was working overtime that day! I hopped back on the Kang Copter and took off faster then you could say Ambesol. Hey, my food arrived. I’ll hit y’all up later.

-Kang, Attourney General

Rejoyce! Even if your name isn’t Joyce! Kang is back!

But you’re wondering, what happened to Kang? Last we heard of you was back in September. Did something happen? Well, just say I had to disappear like Vito on the Sopranos, except I’m not gay and I’m CERTAINLY not Italian.

Was Kang in Witness Protection? A really long session of AA? None of these! The magic of Kang is that he doesn’t have to answer to anyone!

As the weeks go on, I will reveal the missing months of my life as well as update you on regular happening as your Attorney General. It is election year, so I will be on the campaign trail tryng to get your vote! Kang in 06! Write that down, or it will be the last thing you see before I poke your eyes out with my disposable razor.

Actually, Kang is pleased to announce that I have switched from the always stylish Mach 3 Razor to an electric shaver. Why, you ask? Because, since this is an election year, Kang is trying to get in touch with his younger voters to show how entrenched Kang is in the 21st century. Studies have shown that old people use razors, hip people use electric razors, and really hip people use lazers. I don’t think I’m up to lazers quite yet… it’s all about baby steps, people.

Now, since Kang is your friend and he wants your vote, let me give you a word of advice. You’ll note that “old Kang” would never give out advice for free, or not hold it against you that Kang gave you something without something in return, but heed my warning: DO NOT USE AN ELECTRIC RAZOR ON YOUR BALLS. This is a pain that goes beyond description. I thought the guys down in Gitmo were cruel, this is the kind of pain where you want to invest in a time machine and slap yourself a day earlier and go: “Why did that make sense to you, stupid?”

By the way, I didn’t use it on my balls, I’m merely passing on info I overheard. That’s right, Kang in 06 rolls that way.

More later… it’s good to be back.

-Ed