MOCK INVASION?!?! NOBODY TOLD ME IT WAS A MOCK INVASION!
For those that are wondering what I’m referring to, here’s the link:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060519/od_nm/invasion_usa_dc
If you don’t like universal resource locators, here’s the nutshake: Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has for years predicted that a foreign army would attack the South American nation to snatch its vast oil reserves. So in order to predict how an event like this would occur, they staged a mock invasion. Now, I had no idea that it was a mock invasion. Or maybe I heard it and my mind blanked out the word mock. It’s kind of like when my high school sweetheart told me “Stop it, you idiot, I don’t want to get pregnant… the condom broke!” I heard: “Idiot, I don’t want to get broke” I thought it was a euphemism to switch to anal. Imagine MY shock!
Anywhoo, I arrive in Venezuela in my own personal jet that I’ve dubbed “the Kang Copter.” Yes, it’s a jet not a helicopter, but I don’t like helicopters. So the jet lands and I pop out the same way Schwarzenegger appears armed with guns and knives and rockets and stuff like in Commando. I even have the cool stripes of black under my eyes like football players do. Suddenly I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and it’s friggin Chavez.
CHAVEZ: Can I help you?
KANG: A-ha! Your oil reserves now belong to me, Chavez! Feel the iron claw that is the might of Kang!
CHAVEZ: What?
KANG: Now that I’ve successfully invaded Venezuela, your oil reserves now fall under the control of The United States of America!
CHAVEZ: No one’s invaded Venezuela. This is a mock invasion.
(LONG PAUSE)
CHAVEZ: I said this is a mock invasion.
(LONGER PAUSE. Someone coughs)
CHAVEZ: Mock means fake.
KANG: Oh! So this isn’t a real invasion?
CHAVEZ: Where did you say you were from? Did you say The United States of America?
KANG: Yes. Uh… no! From America but… Central America.
CHAVEZ: We’re currently IN Central America.
KANG: Exactly! I’m part of the mock invasion force!
CHAVEZ: Oh. Well, good then. Carry on.
Whew! Good thing the ol Kang noodle was working overtime that day! I hopped back on the Kang Copter and took off faster then you could say Ambesol. Hey, my food arrived. I’ll hit y’all up later.
-Kang, Attourney General
