Attorney General Edward Kang’s blog

Everyone knows my rivalry with Canadian actor Jimmy Doohan. To recap, I’ll tell you about the feud.

When I was practicing law, I was totally fiending over this chick in my office that was a Trekkie. I thought it would be cool if I could seduce her not by threatening to kill her family, but though kindness. I used my contacts to get us tickets to a Trek Convention in Texas. She was really excited and I had a strong gut feeling that I was gonna get some. So, we fly to Texas and get to the convention. GEEK CENTRAL!!! Someone thought that I was dressed up as M.Bison from Street Fighter II. Years later, I now see the resemblance. Anywhoo, I use my charm to cut in line and go straight up to Jimmy Doohan and introduce her to him. They hit it off, they’re chatting and I’m thinking to myself “She’s so happy that she’ll do anything for me now, including the Monroe Exchange”. At that point, she said, let me introduce you to my special friend, Kang. I was smiling because she said special before the word friend, but he looked at me and said: “You look nothing like Kang from Star Trek.” I said that was my real name but he laughed at me and said my Klingon accent was horrible. Well, one thing led to another and I got into a slapping match with the man. Of course I won and slapped the moustache off of him, but that chick I was fiending over refused to talk to me after that. And I thought chicks were into Alpha Males!!!

I mouthed off and vowed something about pissing on his grave. I really don’t recall what I said. But now that James Doohan is dead, I received tons of phone calls from angry Trekkies accusing me of killing Scotty! I had NOTHING to do with it. I’m too busy planning MH to plan the death of a Canadian actor, or any Canadian for that matter. Repeat, James Doohan died of natural causes and not from any direct or indirect action on my part.

-Ed

So I decided to check out a movie this weekend and, much to my dismay, Batman Begins was sold out yet AGAIN. At first, I thought it would be funny to spray the audience with soapy water and gasoline to make the ol’ “Kang Napalm Homemade Style” but I decided to go to my favorite hot dog establishment, Papaya King. I could have sworn that those hot dogs used to be fifty cents!!!

Things just aren’t as good as I remembered them. The hot dog was okay but when I walked in there I thought to myself “get kraut, get kraut, get kraut” then I took one look at the bucket of relish and said “give me relish!” Kang’s rule#7, always go with your gut feeling, and instead I stupidly went with my eyes. It was tasty but I really did want kraut. Man, why did I go with relish? Cuz it was bright green! My secret weakness!

Oh yeah, the movie. It’s strange, and at one point they mention something… I guess I should write SPOILER ALERT or something. That reminds me of the time I was reading aint-it-cool-news and found spoilers to Episode III, YOU GOTTA WRITE THOSE WARNINGS IN CAPS, SON!!! I’m getting off topic:

SPOILER ALERT
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At one point, there’s a kid talking about exchanging pieces of poop from his butthole to another butthole, and I accidentally blurt out: “that’s the Monroe Exchange!” There was a gay guy in the audience and he turned to me and smiled. Was he smiling because he knew what it was and was glad to see someone else who knew of the term, or was he coming onto me? Either way, I was flattered. Anyway, the entire time I was wondering if the dude thought I was coming onto him so I decided to take off. The last movie I walked out of was Ladykillers… man, I thought the movie was going to be TOTALLY different!

Hmmm… that wasn’t much of a spoiler. Never mind. Forget what I wrote. I missed out on the ending so if the ending is good please let me know what happened after they talk about the Monroe Exchange. And if anyone knows how to use Moviefone and wants to buy me a ticket to Batman Begins before it leaves the theatres, I’ll make them tax exempt for a whole year. Yeah, I’m the Attorney General and I can do that.

-EAK

I totally forgot!

-Ed

So after riding high from my meeting with Bush, I’m hanging out with Cartier at White Castle and he tells me his ideas for the Magnficent Hour. WHOA! Man, we were both on the WRONG page, dudes. He was like “forgive” this and “forgive” that. Where does this come from? That rat bastard can suck it. As soon as I got home I planted some shaped charges in the White Castle and blew it up to kingdom come. Cartier wasn’t in it, but it just made me feel better about myself, you know what I mean?

So this jerk-off is telling me how I need to change my ways and only God can judge a person. What the heck was a gun invented for? Are you telling me that I have to wait for God’s fury to enact vengence? Isn’t that guy immortal? So that means he’s got all the time in the world and doesn’t have to do dick. I don’t trust the guy.

Man, so now I need someone to help me organize this stuff. I’ll put an ad on craigslist and see how that goes. In the meantime, I’m gonna buy some Crif Dogs and try and chill out. Man, you think you know a person then they pull some crazy cracked out stuff like that. I’M too violent? I’m a product of a violent world, you horse’s ass! I should have ripped him in half like a phone book but for some reason I didn’t. I think I’m gonna blow up some more White Castles… maybe a KFC.

-Ed

So I go have my meeting with Bush and all of the other chuckleheads in the Cabinet. With me is my main man, Cartier. He’s a religious dude but I don’t hold it against him. Whenever I look over his shoulder he’s always closing out a window (I think it’s craigslist) or exchanging IMs with chicks I’ve never heard of. Maybe he’s a closet perv but I’ll be damned if I point a finger of blame at him.

Bush says that I have to give a shorter presentation because he’s got to fly to London because of the “incident”. I was promised an hour and they said I only had five minutes. I was like, “Dude, it’ll take me five minutes to set up the powerpoint presentation! Fortunately Bush takes one look at Cartier and he gives me carte blanche with MH and says I can do whatever I want. Bush says that he’s got a face that he just “wants to trust.” What’s wrong with my face? Sure I’ve got an eye patch, but it’s not like I’m Carolyn Manheim or anything like that. Well, whatever it takes to get the job done. So that was a pretty easy meeting (if you can call it that) so now I gotta sit down with Cartier and figure this stuff out.

Once again, I’m not an administrator. I can do the logistics of where to plant a shaped charge or how to torture a person, but when it comes to allocating money to the parking tickets… I’m a dog in a bathtub. I don’t know if Cartier is a dollars and cents man… aren’t religious people into taking people’s money? I know it’s tax deductible, but … you know what I mean.

Off to my meeting. More later.

-Ed

I’m Attorney General Edward Kang. Many people have been wondering what the Magnificent Hour is and how it will affect/effect their lives. The answer is simple: I’m not going to tell you. In my blog, I’m going to give you a behind the scenes look at what I have to do as A.G. to get this show on the road. Sure, I’m Attorney General, but I’m no politican. I’d rather be strangling someone with my bare hands than attend a three hour Congressional hearing. Keep your fingers crossed, I might be doing both!

Anywhoo, to find out when MH is going to happen, check www.magnificenthour.com out for more information. Otherwise welcome to my blog!

-E. Alouicious Kang
Attorney General, United States (of America)